Future plans

I've had a lot of people ask me how we're doing and what's in store for us on our journey to baby #2, so I wanted to do an update.  

First off, I'm okay. We're okay.  Chris and I handled this last loss a little differently, but still experienced the same hurt.  What hurt the most for me was knowing we transferred two embryos and they didn't take/continue to develop after going through the whole process and having Caleb. Knowing what they could have been hurts the most.  To me, those were our babies. They were life and capable of amazing things. I know we'll have another baby some day, I have no doubt in my mind.  Just not right now and that's ok.  I find peace in Caleb and knowing that everything happens for a reason. 

When we did our fresh IVF cycle 2 1/2 years ago (ovarian stimulation, egg retrieval, fertilization, etc) we were really hoping our babies would be in that cycle.  If we would have known going into the whole process that only one of our 7 embryos would result in a baby, I would have still gone through everything.  Caleb is nothing short of amazing and is such a loving, caring, sweet, incredibly smart, handsome toddler.  I am so so so grateful for him.  I know he will be an amazing big brother some day. 

Yesterday we met with our fertility doctor to discuss our last transfer and our future. He said it's most likely that our embryos were chromosomally abnormal and that's why they didn't take/continue to develop. He said my uterine lining was great and doesn't think that's the issue. When we did our fresh cycle, we didn't test any of our embryos for genetic abnormalities since neither one of us have any known genetic issues in our families. 

Prior to doing IVF, you have to do several labs to test hormones, thyroid, ovarian reserve, etc.  When I did my initial labs, my ovarian reserve was considered "normal", but on the border of being low.  Ovarian reserve gives an indication of how many eggs are in your ovaries.  When I took all the medication to stimulate my ovaries I responded ok but my doctor was expecting me to have more eggs, given my age.  Now, 2 1/2 years later my doctor is a little concerned about my ovarian reserve and wants me to do some testing to see where it's at now. 

He's recommending we do a fresh IVF cycle and do genetic testing on the embryos we end up with to rule out any genetic issues. Transferring a genetically normal embryo has a success rate of about 70% versus 50% for an embryo that hasn't been screened. And it costs additional money. A significant amount of money. We have one frozen embryo left, but it's not the best quality and we're not willing to go through the emotional/financial stress of it not working out right now.  

He recommended we take some supplements to help our fertility and ultimately said we could start again after my next cycle.  However, we are on one income. Since quitting my job to stay home with Caleb, we have done ok financially and I feel extremely fortunate that we are able to live on one income. But, we definitely do not have extra money laying around and we had to charge our last transfer.  Our insurance didn't cover any of our transfer (or any of our past fertility treatments) and very very little of the medication.  Chris and I do not like having credit card debt hanging over our heads and we've always been very conscious how we spend our money and paying off our credit cards. 

So, at this moment our goal is to pay off our credit cards and save as much as possible for a fresh cycle.  This won't happen in the next month or 6 months.  We're looking at doing another cycle some time in 2018 and that's ok. We would love for our children to be closer in age, but I'm totally okay with enjoying Caleb just a little longer as our only baby. We'll also continue to pray we get pregnant naturally because hey.... miracles happen every day.  

Alissha 

Transfer

We did our embryo transfer on December 12th for baby #2 (and maybe #3). Everything went perfectly and when our two embryos were thawed, they started expanding and growing just as they should. When they were initially frozen, both were 3BB. Just before transfer, they were a 5BB and 6BB and one was already hatched out of its shell. They both looked great and after the transfer, Chris and I stayed in the room for close to 30 minutes. Talking, staring at the picture of our embryos, the ultrasound screen that had an image of where the embryos were placed in my uterus and I cried. Tears of happiness, excitement and the unknown. Knowing that one of our embryos turned into Caleb just overwhelms my heart and I pray at least one of our embryos continues to grow in my belly and joins us in 9 months. 

After the transfer, we drove home and made it back before Caleb woke up for the day. My mother in law stayed at our house the night before our transfer so she could be here when we left at 4:30am. I spent the day laying on the couch and resting, trying my best to at least. I had mild cramping, but nothing intense. I'm 1 day past the transfer and today has been pretty uneventful as well. Not much cramping and still doing a lot of resting. Tomorrow I can resume light activity, nothing strenuous, but at least I can get out of the house. 

Alissha 

Our frozen cycle is underway!

We've officially started the process for our frozen embryo transfer! I started birth control about a month and a half ago and took my last dose on November 20th. The week prior I received all of the medication for the cycle and I'm not so thrilled about having to do an estrogen injection every 3 days starting November 24th and daily progesterone injections starting December 8th. For our cycle with Caleb, I didn't have to do any injections. Dr. Norian explained he switched to injectables because he has noticed a decrease in miscarriages and an increase in pregnancies with them. Good enough for me.

Today we had our first monitoring appointment where the lining of my uterus and follicles were checked via ultrasound and I had my blood drawn to check my estrogen level. Everything looked good and we were instructed how to draw up and administer the estrogen injectable. The nurse suggested I do the injection in the morning so it has more time to work its way out through massage/movement during the day, rather than at night when there's a higher chance of it not getting massaged out. 

My next appointment is December 8th and we're planning for a December 12th transfer. We're getting really excited and have both a boy and girl name picked out for our second baby. We would really love for Caleb to have a brother, but know that he will be an amazing big brother to a sister as well. 

Alissha 

SHG & Thoughts on baby #2

On Monday, I had my SHG done and although I've been through it before and knew what to expect I was still nervous. Nervous to be starting this process again and nervous of the unknown. Thankfully my uterus is in perfect condition for our embryo(s) to implant and I don't have any scar tissue, fibroids or polyps. We got the blessing to move forward with a frozen transfer in December. The next step is calling the office when we're ready for me to get on birth control and start the process. 

I'm excited, nervous and anxious about having another baby. I'm sure most moms struggle with the same feelings I have.  When I think about every thing Chris and I went through to have Caleb and how much Caleb means to us, I get choked up and super emotional. For 4 years Chris and I dreamed of having a baby, for 4 years we dreamed of having a baby boy and naming him Caleb, over 4 years we experienced the worst heartache, devastation and emotional roller coaster any couple can go through. 

We went through A LOT on our journey to get pregnant and when we finally got pregnant through IVF, we felt like we could breathe again. That it was all going to be okay. When we found out we were expecting a baby boy at 16 weeks and we were finally going to have Caleb here with us, our hearts exploded. Our prayers and dreams came true. When Caleb was born, I had this instant connection with him, like many moms have with their newborns, and knew he would always have a special place in my heart. Words cannot express how much I love him and how much he means to me. Caleb made me a mom. Something I dreamed of since I was a little girl. 

So, naturally I worry about loving another baby as much as I love Caleb. I know it's possible and I know I'll fall in love with another baby just like I have with Caleb. I worry about our next baby feeling just as loved and wanted as Caleb. I never want him or her to feel like inferior to Caleb. And on the flip side, I worry about Caleb getting enough attention from me when we have another baby. I don't want him to feel like he was put on the back burner or that he was replaced. There's a lot of emotions that come with having another baby and I know all will be okay when he or she is born and were a family of four.... I might just be an emotional mess during the process! 

Alissha

The ball is slowly rolling

We're slowly starting to get the ball rolling on prepping for our embryo transfer in December. I have my SHG (sonohysterogram aka saline ultrasound) scheduled for Monday, September 12th at 10:45 and that's to see if I have any polyps or fibroids in my uterus which could affect our embryo(s) from implanting. We're going to transfer two embryos this go around in hopes that one takes and if both implant.... Then I might lose my shit. But, it's a chance were willing to take. 3 babies under 2? Piece of cake! 

So we're doing the SHG early because if I do have any fibroids or polyps, I'll need to have them removed and heal completely before doing the transfer. Fingers crossed that my oven is still good after having Caleb since I didn't have any polyps or fibroids going into our last transfers. 

After the SHG, I'll update more about how it went and what the next steps are in the process. 

Alissha 

Baby #2?!!

Chris and I have always agreed we'd like our children to be close in age, but how close has always been up in the air.  My goal was to breastfeed Caleb a year and I knew I didn't want to cut that short to undergo another embryo transfer.  As Caleb's first birthday approached and I reached my 1 year goal of breastfeeding, we talked about when we would like to do another embryo transfer and January 2017 sounded like a good time.

On July 21st, Chris and I had a consultation with our fertility doctor to discuss a frozen embryo transfer. We talked about the 3 embryos we still had frozen from my retrieval in July 2014 and which ones our Doctor thought we should transfer. I initially only wanted to transfer one embryo because the thought of having twins after having one baby makes me a bit anxious; but, our two better quality embryos are frozen together and to re-freeze an embryo "would be a lot to ask of an embryo" according to our Doctor. 

So, the way our 3 embryos are graded are 4BC, 3BB and 3BB.  The number represents the size of the embryo. They're ranked 1-6 and optimal size is 3-5. The first letter represents the quality of the cells that make the baby and the second letter represents the quality of the cells that make the placenta. A is excellent, B is very good/good, C is poor/fair. So, based on this our better embryos are the 3BB's. Once the embryos are thawed, about 18 hours before the transfer, they can continue to improve in quality which is exactly what the embryos we transferred to conceive Caleb did.  Embryos can stop expanding and developing during the thaw and not survive, but the current thaw survival rate per embryo is 95%. Our two embryos we transferred when we conceived Caleb thawed perfectly and had no problems, so we're hopeful we won't have any issues. 

Our Doctor told us we could do the transfer in 6 weeks if we wanted to, but that's a bit too soon for us. We talked about time lines and have agreed on a transfer some time in late November/early December. I need to have a saline ultrasound done in September to make sure I don't have any fibroids of polyps in my uterus first and if all goes well with that, we'll move forward with the transfer. 

As we get closer to September and scheduling the saline ultrasound, I'll update more.  I want to document our journey for baby #2 just like I did with Caleb and I plan to be an open book. Some day I hope our children will read all my blog entries and know how loved and wanted they were and are. I have a lot of mixed emotions as we embark on this next step in our lives, but more than anything my heart explodes any time I think about Caleb being a big brother.  

Alissha 

Happy Birthday Caleb!

Caleb,

My sweet baby boy, you're officially considered a toddler now that you're 1 year old. This year has gone by extremely fast and I am amazed at how much you've grown and developed. You no longer look like a baby, but a little boy. You are quite opinionated and know exactly what you want and don't want. You are still pointing at everything you see and we do our best to describe everything you point at. You love to point at lights, fans, your books and airplanes in the sky. When you point at something, you do it with such determination and force. 

You love to sit on our laps while we read you books.... Just another sign that you're growing up. You love to push your cars around the house and get into everything. We finally safety proofed the kitchen cabinets because you were pulling everything out of them. You love to go into the pantry and shut the door behind you. When I try to open it, you shut it again and think it's the greatest thing ever. You know exactly where your snacks are in the pantry and like to pull them off the shelf. Your appetite is still never ending and you absolutely love to eat. I'm a bit worried about our grocery bill when you become a teenager! 

Even though you love to eat and eat nearly any and everything we give you, you've turned into a little string bean! Your rolls are nearly gone and you've thinned out so much. At your 1 year check up, you were in the 20th percentile for weight! You were such a chunky baby and always above the 50th percentile in weight. We shouldn't be too surprised though because your dad and I were the tall lanky kids in school! You're in the 50th percentile for height and we'll be shocked if you're not tall like we are. Your dad and I hit our growth spurts in middle school and the first year of high school, so just wait if you're the short one in elementary school. You'll shoot up like a weed and I'm sure get plenty of growing pains like we did. 

You're saying "Mom", "Momma", "Dad", "Dada", "Meow" and "Oof" (Woof for dog). When we ask you what a cat or dog says, you're quick to say "Meow" or "Oof Oof". It's the cutest thing ever. You also say "Mmmm" while eating or see something you like to eat. We're working on teaching you different body parts and so far every time we ask you where your nose is, you point to your head. Close enough! Your comprehension is amazing and you are so smart. When we tell you to drink some milk or water, you grab your sippy and take a drink. When we ask you to put it back where it goes on your tray, you know exactly where to put it. If we ask you to give us something, you do.... For the most part. You find any and everything on the floor and pick it up with your hands. If I don't catch you soon enough, you put whatever it is in your mouth. You love to give kisses and they're wide open mouth kisses. We're still working on giving kisses with your mouth closed ; ) 

Your birthday party was great. It was Dr. Seuss theme and I made snacks/treats that were related to various Dr. Seuss books. We had a taco man serve tacos, a bouncer for the bigger kids and a kiddie pool because it was hot! We had about 60 adults and 20 kids come to your party! You are loved my sweet boy. You received plenty of toys and cute outfits. You sat on our laps or on the floor the whole time we opened presents and you did your best to help. You absolutely LOVED your birthday cake and would have eaten the whole thing if we didn't take it away from you. I was a little worried you would get a tummy ache from all the sugar. Your love for sweets runs deep and you are definitely your father's son! 

I started weaning you from breastfeeding a few days after your first birthday party. We started with your typical afternoon nursing session and replaced it with a sippy of whole milk. You had no problem drinking whole milk and did so well without nursing. You amazed us at how well you adjusted, so a week after we cut out your afternoon nursing, we cut out your morning one and are doing even better with that. You love to eat, so it makes it really easy to distract you from nursing. We'll cut out your bedtime nursing next and then the nighttime ones. We think weaning you at nighttime will be the hardest because it's all about comfort for you. Half the time you're not hungry, but will comfort nurse and go back to sleep. 

It makes me sad to know our breastfeeding journey is coming to an end, but I am so proud of us for making it to a year. We pushed through some hard times in the beginning and long days and nights of nursing, but it was all worth it. I know I gave you the absolute best your first year of life and would do it all over again. 

Caleb, I hope you always know how much I love you and how special you are to me. For so many years I dreamt of you and imagined what it would be like to feel you move in my belly, hold you for the first time and watch you grow. You have made my dream come true and I am so incredibly proud to be your mommy. I will always support you, encourage you and be there to listen to you. Never be afraid to come to me when times get rough or you just need someone to talk to. I will ALWAYS be there for you my sweet boy. You will always hold a special place in my heart 💙 

I love you,

Momma