As far as weight loss, I still have about 6 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and a lot of toning to do. I make it to the gym MAYBE once a week if I'm lucky and go for walks about twice a week. It's definitely not as much as I'd like, but with this crazy hot weather I don't want to take Caleb out when it's 90+ degrees and getting to the gym has proven to be harder than I thought. I'd love to start personal training and do some classes that are offered at my gym, but I'm on Caleb's schedule and going to the gym around his ever changing feeding schedule and when Chris is home works best right now. I know I could pump and give Caleb a bottle so I could have some more flexibility in my schedule, but I feel so guilty when I give him a bottle- even though I know he's still getting breast milk. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't help it. It's just so much easier to give him the boob then pump and give him a bottle, even if it means I'm limited on what I can do when I want to do it. I know over time I'll be able to get to the gym more and turn some of this squishyness into muscle.
I'm trying not to obsess over my body, but it's pretty hard. I'm hungry all the time because I'm breastfeeding and sometimes I don't make the best food choices, so then I get mad at myself for not cleaning up my diet better. It's true you burn a lot of calories while breastfeeding, but you definitely can't eat whatever you want either and expect to still lose weight. So, I definitely need to make improvements in that aspect and start doing more at home exercises for the time being.
Breastfeeding is going well overall. Before having Caleb I didn't realize how demanding and exhausting it can be. But despite all of that, I'm happy I'm breastfeeding and giving Caleb the very best. We're over the painful stage and it's actually enjoyable now that we had his lip and tongue ties corrected. It took a few weeks for the pain to go away, but I'm thankful I kept at it. My first goal is to make it 6 months and if that's going well for us, we'll try to make it a year. I don't foresee us breastfeeding past a year. I just can't come to terms with breastfeeding a toddler, but more power to moms who can and do.
Emotionally, I definitely had the baby blues but nothing too awful. I didn't experience it until about a month post partum which totally caught me off guard. I thought I was past it when it didn't hit me within a week or two post partum. I started having feelings of inadequacy and crying when I thought the only thing Caleb wanted from me were my boobs (which was true lol). I didn't think I could soothe or comfort him and started doubting my ability to be a good mom. I remember just feeling awful and at a loss. I couldn't even explain how I was feeling to Chris, so I would just cry. Thankfully that has passed and I feel a lot more confident in being a mom. I still have moments where I cry, but it's mostly because I miss the freedom I used to have to go do things whenever I wanted. Adjusting to mommy hood is hard and nothing you do can prepare you for it until you have a baby. Everyone always tells you to enjoy your freedom before having a baby and to do whatever you want because once baby is here, your whole life changes. And that's true, but I still don't think that makes up for it when baby arrives. It's just a huge adjustment. Everything revolves around this little person who needs you to survive and you're on their schedule. They could really care less if you didn't eat, shower, pee, brush your teeth, put deodorant on, get out of your pajamas all day or even sleep. It's exhausting, but the most rewarding thing in the world.
I officially resigned from my position with the County this month and although I knew all along I was going to resign and be a stay at home mom, I still cried the day I gave my resignation letter. I've worked since I was 15 1/2 and went to college for 6 years to start my career as a Social Worker and something about not working in that capacity anymore seems so final. I know my degree will never expire and I can always go back to the County if I want, but it was still a bittersweet moment. I enjoyed my job for the most part, but I won't miss the unpredictable hours and office politics. However, I will miss the adrenaline rush I would get from working certain investigations, saving kids from awful situations and the interesting characters I'd encounter on a daily basis. But I still couldn't imagine working for the County and being a mom. Props to all my fellow CPS moms who can do both.
Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever. It's never ending. It doesn't end at 5 pm and I don't get weekends or holidays off. There's no vacation or sick days and my supervisor is the most demanding one I've ever had. But, it's all worth it. I'll never regret staying home with Caleb and getting to experience all of his milestones first hand. He'll never be this little again and we'll never get this time back. Eventually, I'll go back to work in some capacity but not until he is older and can tell me what's going on when he's away from me. And by then, hopefully we'll have another little one and I'll be at home a little bit longer. But for now, I plan my days according to Caleb and set little goals for myself every day. It's amazing how one little chore can take you allllll day to compete while caring for a baby. My days go by too quickly and by the time 5 pm rolls around I'm always wondering what the hell I did all day or what I accomplished.
That's right, I took care of a little human all day and made sure his needs were met before my own. Silly me.
I've learned to let little things go and not stress if the dishes didn't get done, if the house hasn't been dusted or the carpets vacuumed and floors cleaned as frequently as I'd like. Cause you know what? It'll eventually get done and Caleb doesn't care if the house is a hot mess. Over time I know it'll get easier and he'll be able to entertain himself for longer periods of time so I can do more, but for now I'm enjoying this stage as much as I can and trying not to be so hard on myself.
Alissha
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