We're expecting!

*Originally written on June 1, 2017

We are pregnant and expecting our second baby..... naturally! What the what?! You can guess how surprised and shocked we were. Completely unexpected? Most definitely. I have always said if we got pregnant naturally it'd be an act of God and I have no doubt our endless prayers and faith helped make this possible. So here's the story.....

Around February, Chris and I started taking some new supplements to see if it could help our chances of producing more viable sperm, eggs and ultimately better quality embryos when we decided to do our next IVF cycle.... and we figured they couldn't hurt our chances of conceiving on our own too.  I started tracking my ovulation again around the same time just to see when I ovulated to help our chances. Each month I knew I wasn't pregnant and sure enough, I wasn't. 

In May, Chris and I started talking about doing a fresh IVF cycle and figuring out our finances to make it possible.  We were getting excited about starting the process again and getting pregnant.  I got a positive ovulation test on May 21st and May 22nd. We handled business as usual and I prayed on it so hard. I told God whatever his plans were for our next baby, I would welcome them with open arms and that we were ready. On May 23rd I got an awful stomach bug or food poisoning and found myself stuck in bed all day or in the bathroom. I was miserable and for the next 2 days I barely ate or drank anything because the thought of food made me nauseous.  I thought for sure our already slim chances of conceiving were out the window. 

On May 29th, I sent an e-mail to our IVF nurse letting her know we were ready to move forward with a fresh IVF cycle and that I would start my period on or around June 6th. 

Then on May 30th I started feeling things.... twinges, cramps, and that familiar feeling I had when we got pregnant with Caleb via IVF.  I was out running errands all day with Caleb and on the go. When we got home in the afternoon, I Googled when implantation was likely to occur because I genuinely had no idea when it happens if you conceive naturally.  9 days past ovulation was what I found.  I was 9 days past THAT day.  I decided to take a pregnancy test because why not? After a few minutes I didn't see anything, then after 10 minutes I saw thee faintest line. So faint that you had to squint to see it and hold it in the brightest light. I thought for sure it was an evaporation line or my eyes were playing tricks on me and threw the test away.  

That night, Chris and I talked about how awesome and amazing it would be if we got pregnant on our own.  He didn't know I took a test, but I told him what I was feeling and we started dreaming and hoping. The following morning, May 31st, I took a test.  Without a doubt, a line showed up. It was faint, but I was only 10 days past ovulation and not supposed to start my period for another 5 days. Chris wasn't home- he had to get some lab work done that morning and I decided to tell him when he got home. I was in shock. I cried. I knew something was going on with my body, but how could this be possible? 

When Chris got home, I showed him the test. After telling him what he was looking at, he was in disbelief. He asked if it was for real and how accurate the test was.  That night, I took another test. I wasn't expecting it to be much darker, but it was! It was much more noticeable and stronger.  

I'm praying so hard this baby sticks and we get to meet him or her in February.  It feels right. Everything feels good and like it did when I got pregnant with Caleb.  I feel so positive about this pregnancy and am in awe we were FINALLY able to get pregnant on our own.  After 6 1/2 years. No medical assistance, no medications, no needles, no blood draws, no ultrasounds to monitor my ovaries/uterine lining to time everything just right.  Our bodies finally figured it out and this baby is nothing short of a miracle.  

Thoughts on Infertility

National Infertility Awareness Week is this coming week (April 23-29) and I've been thinking a lot about our own struggle lately and what I've learned from our journey.  I wanted to do a post and just get everything out, so sorry if this is long and all over the place.  

1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. 1 in 8.  I've had so many people reach out to me and thank me for being so candid about what we've gone through to conceive because it has helped them in their own infertility journey and let them know they aren't the only ones.  I started this blog to get my emotions out, to document our struggles so I never forget what we went through and to let other couples know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I remember feeling so isolated when we were trying to have a baby.  I felt so alone.  Chris was on this journey with me, but what I didn't realize until years later and with the help of our counselor was that we were not in tune with each other at all.  I was so wrapped up in trying to have a baby that I never checked in with Chris to see how he was feeling.  He always acted okay so I assumed he was fine and our struggle wasn't affecting him.  I was so wrong. He was trying to stay strong for me and didn't want me worrying about him.  He was so selfless in wanting me to be okay that he completely put what he was going through on the back burner.  My number one piece of advice for couples struggling to get pregnant is don't lose sight of what brought you two together in the first place.  Don't get so wrapped up in trying to have a baby that you completely forget about each other.  It's not worth it.  Always check in with each other. Don't be afraid to express how you're feeling. 

The emotions of what we went through are still very real. The hurt, the pain, the unknown, the wondering, the heartache, the tears (so, so many tears), the joy, the hope, the STRESS.  Chris and I went through so much in our first 5 years of marriage and things that should have destroyed our marriage made us stronger.  I've learned that infertility can either make your relationship stronger or completely destroy it.  Don't let it destroy you.  Seek counseling and work through this struggle together.  Our counselor put it into perspective for me and made me realize struggling with infertility, going through fertility treatments and dealing with losses is a traumatic event and something that needs to be talked about and processed.  Counseling has helped us tremendously and I highly recommend it, even if you're not dealing with infertility. 

Looking back on our journey and the one we're still on to have baby #2, I am grateful. I'm grateful that modern medicine has allowed our dreams to come true and have the son we always wanted. I pray and wish and hope that we won't have to go through another fresh IVF cycle for baby #2, but it's looking more and more like that will be our reality....again. I imagine what it would be like to get pregnant naturally and surprise our friends and family with this announcement, what it must be like to not know what's going on at every single moment of conceiving and be that couple who needed IVF for their first baby but got pregnant on their own for their second..... But, how awesome is it that we have a picture of Caleb as an embryo?! Just a tiny ball of cells that turned into this amazing little boy that has brought so much joy to our lives. 

Not many people can say they have a picture of themselves as a 5 day embryo and that's such a cool thing to have.  So much love went in to creating him. So much love was waiting for him and he was wanted so very much. 

For anyone struggling to get pregnant or maintain a pregnancy, don't be afraid to take the next step and talk to a fertility doctor (I can recommend a great one!) I was so terrified of doing IVF and couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that two healthy people who prevented pregnancy for so long couldn't get pregnant.... even after 3 years of trying and 3 failed IUIs (intrauterine insemination).  When we decided to move forward with IVF I was so surprised at how smooth the process went and while doing daily injections wasn't that fun, it put us one step closer to having a baby.  IVF is a huge investment of time, MONEY and emotions, but it's so worth it. 

Don't be afraid to reach out and find a support system through your journey.  Ask questions, get second opinions, don't give up.  And most importantly, don't forget who you're on this journey with 💙 

Alissha 

Future plans

I've had a lot of people ask me how we're doing and what's in store for us on our journey to baby #2, so I wanted to do an update.  

First off, I'm okay. We're okay.  Chris and I handled this last loss a little differently, but still experienced the same hurt.  What hurt the most for me was knowing we transferred two embryos and they didn't take/continue to develop after going through the whole process and having Caleb. Knowing what they could have been hurts the most.  To me, those were our babies. They were life and capable of amazing things. I know we'll have another baby some day, I have no doubt in my mind.  Just not right now and that's ok.  I find peace in Caleb and knowing that everything happens for a reason. 

When we did our fresh IVF cycle 2 1/2 years ago (ovarian stimulation, egg retrieval, fertilization, etc) we were really hoping our babies would be in that cycle.  If we would have known going into the whole process that only one of our 7 embryos would result in a baby, I would have still gone through everything.  Caleb is nothing short of amazing and is such a loving, caring, sweet, incredibly smart, handsome toddler.  I am so so so grateful for him.  I know he will be an amazing big brother some day. 

Yesterday we met with our fertility doctor to discuss our last transfer and our future. He said it's most likely that our embryos were chromosomally abnormal and that's why they didn't take/continue to develop. He said my uterine lining was great and doesn't think that's the issue. When we did our fresh cycle, we didn't test any of our embryos for genetic abnormalities since neither one of us have any known genetic issues in our families. 

Prior to doing IVF, you have to do several labs to test hormones, thyroid, ovarian reserve, etc.  When I did my initial labs, my ovarian reserve was considered "normal", but on the border of being low.  Ovarian reserve gives an indication of how many eggs are in your ovaries.  When I took all the medication to stimulate my ovaries I responded ok but my doctor was expecting me to have more eggs, given my age.  Now, 2 1/2 years later my doctor is a little concerned about my ovarian reserve and wants me to do some testing to see where it's at now. 

He's recommending we do a fresh IVF cycle and do genetic testing on the embryos we end up with to rule out any genetic issues. Transferring a genetically normal embryo has a success rate of about 70% versus 50% for an embryo that hasn't been screened. And it costs additional money. A significant amount of money. We have one frozen embryo left, but it's not the best quality and we're not willing to go through the emotional/financial stress of it not working out right now.  

He recommended we take some supplements to help our fertility and ultimately said we could start again after my next cycle.  However, we are on one income. Since quitting my job to stay home with Caleb, we have done ok financially and I feel extremely fortunate that we are able to live on one income. But, we definitely do not have extra money laying around and we had to charge our last transfer.  Our insurance didn't cover any of our transfer (or any of our past fertility treatments) and very very little of the medication.  Chris and I do not like having credit card debt hanging over our heads and we've always been very conscious how we spend our money and paying off our credit cards. 

So, at this moment our goal is to pay off our credit cards and save as much as possible for a fresh cycle.  This won't happen in the next month or 6 months.  We're looking at doing another cycle some time in 2018 and that's ok. We would love for our children to be closer in age, but I'm totally okay with enjoying Caleb just a little longer as our only baby. We'll also continue to pray we get pregnant naturally because hey.... miracles happen every day.  

Alissha 

Transfer

We did our embryo transfer on December 12th for baby #2 (and maybe #3). Everything went perfectly and when our two embryos were thawed, they started expanding and growing just as they should. When they were initially frozen, both were 3BB. Just before transfer, they were a 5BB and 6BB and one was already hatched out of its shell. They both looked great and after the transfer, Chris and I stayed in the room for close to 30 minutes. Talking, staring at the picture of our embryos, the ultrasound screen that had an image of where the embryos were placed in my uterus and I cried. Tears of happiness, excitement and the unknown. Knowing that one of our embryos turned into Caleb just overwhelms my heart and I pray at least one of our embryos continues to grow in my belly and joins us in 9 months. 

After the transfer, we drove home and made it back before Caleb woke up for the day. My mother in law stayed at our house the night before our transfer so she could be here when we left at 4:30am. I spent the day laying on the couch and resting, trying my best to at least. I had mild cramping, but nothing intense. I'm 1 day past the transfer and today has been pretty uneventful as well. Not much cramping and still doing a lot of resting. Tomorrow I can resume light activity, nothing strenuous, but at least I can get out of the house. 

Alissha 

Our frozen cycle is underway!

We've officially started the process for our frozen embryo transfer! I started birth control about a month and a half ago and took my last dose on November 20th. The week prior I received all of the medication for the cycle and I'm not so thrilled about having to do an estrogen injection every 3 days starting November 24th and daily progesterone injections starting December 8th. For our cycle with Caleb, I didn't have to do any injections. Dr. Norian explained he switched to injectables because he has noticed a decrease in miscarriages and an increase in pregnancies with them. Good enough for me.

Today we had our first monitoring appointment where the lining of my uterus and follicles were checked via ultrasound and I had my blood drawn to check my estrogen level. Everything looked good and we were instructed how to draw up and administer the estrogen injectable. The nurse suggested I do the injection in the morning so it has more time to work its way out through massage/movement during the day, rather than at night when there's a higher chance of it not getting massaged out. 

My next appointment is December 8th and we're planning for a December 12th transfer. We're getting really excited and have both a boy and girl name picked out for our second baby. We would really love for Caleb to have a brother, but know that he will be an amazing big brother to a sister as well. 

Alissha 

SHG & Thoughts on baby #2

On Monday, I had my SHG done and although I've been through it before and knew what to expect I was still nervous. Nervous to be starting this process again and nervous of the unknown. Thankfully my uterus is in perfect condition for our embryo(s) to implant and I don't have any scar tissue, fibroids or polyps. We got the blessing to move forward with a frozen transfer in December. The next step is calling the office when we're ready for me to get on birth control and start the process. 

I'm excited, nervous and anxious about having another baby. I'm sure most moms struggle with the same feelings I have.  When I think about every thing Chris and I went through to have Caleb and how much Caleb means to us, I get choked up and super emotional. For 4 years Chris and I dreamed of having a baby, for 4 years we dreamed of having a baby boy and naming him Caleb, over 4 years we experienced the worst heartache, devastation and emotional roller coaster any couple can go through. 

We went through A LOT on our journey to get pregnant and when we finally got pregnant through IVF, we felt like we could breathe again. That it was all going to be okay. When we found out we were expecting a baby boy at 16 weeks and we were finally going to have Caleb here with us, our hearts exploded. Our prayers and dreams came true. When Caleb was born, I had this instant connection with him, like many moms have with their newborns, and knew he would always have a special place in my heart. Words cannot express how much I love him and how much he means to me. Caleb made me a mom. Something I dreamed of since I was a little girl. 

So, naturally I worry about loving another baby as much as I love Caleb. I know it's possible and I know I'll fall in love with another baby just like I have with Caleb. I worry about our next baby feeling just as loved and wanted as Caleb. I never want him or her to feel like inferior to Caleb. And on the flip side, I worry about Caleb getting enough attention from me when we have another baby. I don't want him to feel like he was put on the back burner or that he was replaced. There's a lot of emotions that come with having another baby and I know all will be okay when he or she is born and were a family of four.... I might just be an emotional mess during the process! 

Alissha

The ball is slowly rolling

We're slowly starting to get the ball rolling on prepping for our embryo transfer in December. I have my SHG (sonohysterogram aka saline ultrasound) scheduled for Monday, September 12th at 10:45 and that's to see if I have any polyps or fibroids in my uterus which could affect our embryo(s) from implanting. We're going to transfer two embryos this go around in hopes that one takes and if both implant.... Then I might lose my shit. But, it's a chance were willing to take. 3 babies under 2? Piece of cake! 

So we're doing the SHG early because if I do have any fibroids or polyps, I'll need to have them removed and heal completely before doing the transfer. Fingers crossed that my oven is still good after having Caleb since I didn't have any polyps or fibroids going into our last transfers. 

After the SHG, I'll update more about how it went and what the next steps are in the process. 

Alissha