I just feel sad.

Today we had our appointment with Dr. Norian to talk about why our IVF cycle failed and where we go from here. He seemed genuinely sad that it didn't work for us the first time. He said he and the rest of his team really thought we would have had a successful cycle. He said I had a 'chemical pregnancy' which means I had a positive test, but didn't make it to an ultrasound. I'm pretty sure I would completely lose it if I saw our baby on an ultrasound and then miscarried. He said a lot of women have chemical pregnancies, but don't realize it because their periods are just a few days late. Most chemical pregnancies end due to chromosomal defects in the embryo, so he believes this is what may have happened with me and my body did what it needed to do in order to stop the embryo from growing any further. We could do genetic testing on our frozen embryos, but Dr. Norian doesn't believe it's necessary and it's costly. Since I'm not 38 and haven't experienced multiple miscarriages he thinks the odds are in our favor. 

Dr. Norian wants us to take a month off to get my body back to normal and then do a frozen embryo transfer some time in September. He wants to thaw 2-3 embryos and transfer what makes it through the thaw. He expects all of them to survive the thaw since they were high quality. I'll call on the first day of my next cycle and start birth control for a few weeks and then estrogen and add in the progesterone a day before the transfer. Since we already have our embryos, the frozen cycle should be easier on us and my body. I won't have any injections and it's cheaper. 

Since Thursday I've just been in a funk. The best way to describe how I feel is just plain sad. I'm very guarded with my emotions right now. It's amazing how connected and attached Chris and I got to our embryos. We're definitely going through the grieving process and I don't know how long it will last. I don't know when I'll feel 'normal' again. I haven't felt normal in the last 3 1/2 years. There are times I just cry and all I want to do is be with Chris. 

Infertility definitely changes who you are and puts strains on relationships and your marriage. It makes you insecure, jealous, depressed and angry. No couple dreams of paying thousands to have a family when they get married and having no control over the situation- which really drives me nuts. If I come off as distant, emotionless or don't want company, don't take it personal. I just need time to heal and sometimes I just need to be alone. I'm thankful for the month we have off from everything. I'm looking forward to getting back in the gym and having that as my outlet. 

Alissha