So we meet again....

This morning I met this guy again.... 

I think he was more excited than I was. The ultrasound went great. My uterus and ovaries look good and right where they should be at this point. Tomorrow I'll start estrogen pills twice a day and the estrogen patch that I'll change every 3 days. Our next appointment is October 7th : ) 

Alissha 

What Infertility Has Cost Us

Lately I've been wondering how much we've spent on fertility treatments, tests and medications over the last year and a half. I decided to go through all our receipts and add up what we had and that's the number I got.... $21,383.51. That doesn't include the hundreds I've probably spent on pregnancy or ovulation predictor tests over the last 3 years and 9 months or what we will still be spending over the next month or so. 

I'm not surprised by how much we've spent. We've definitely felt the impact and even more so lately with the cost of IVF. Our health insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments or any of the fertility medications, so pretty much everything has been spent out of pocket. We've paid for everything ourselves with the help of credit cards and try to pay cash as much as possible so we don't have to charge anything. It's hard. 

I know there are other couples out there that have spent way more than we have and for that, I feel blessed. I've seen some couples set up Go Fund Me accounts to get help paying for IVF and I really have mixed emotions about that. It's something I wouldn't do, but to each their own. 

We would spend ten times what we have already to have a baby of our own. We get asked if we've considered adoption and I get a little annoyed with that. People think it's so easy to adopt and if we can't have children of our own that's a logical alternative. What most don't understand is that it can be very expensive to adopt and it's a lengthy process. Until we've exhausted all efforts to have our own biological children, we won't be looking into adoption. 

Alissha 

Plans for our FET cycle

This go around I want to do things a little differently. First and foremost, I want to some how not be so stressed or overwhelmed by it all. I think going through it before will help since I'll know what to expect this time. I'm going to try my hardest to steer clear from Google and over-analyzing everything that's going on with my body. My goal is to take it one day at a time. 

I really want to wean myself off of caffeine by the time we do our transfer, so I've switched to half-caff coffee for starters. So far so good! 

Of course I won't be drinking heavily or drinking at all after our transfer, but I think it's okay to have a drink here and there on the weekends or special occasions. 

As far as the gym goes.... I really didn't get back into it like I thought I would after finding out we had a chemical pregnancy. I'm not going to make excuses because they're all pretty lame, but I have been trying to go to the gym or stay active atleast 3 days a week. I think it's important to listen to your body and eat healthy. Hopefully over the next week or so I can get back into my routine, just not as hardcore. 

Yesterday I started my first dose of birth control and we got our treatment calendar for the cycle. There's less ultrasounds and blood work and I won't have any injections this go around. We have our first ultrasound and blood work scheduled for September 30th (my birthday!) and then I'll start estrogen the day after.  If everything goes as planned, our embryo transfer should be October 21st : ) Finally having a date gives me some relief and something to look forward to. I know it's going to be here before we know it and then the two weeks we have to wait for our pregnancy test will take fooooorrreeeeevvvver! 

Alissha 

Day 1!

After being 4 days late, and thinking for a split second that maybe I got pregnant naturally (Ha!) my cycle finally started today. I couldn't wait to call our fertility clinic to start our frozen embryo cycle. We were a little worried the embryo transfer would interfere with our planned trip to the 49ers and Chiefs game on October 5th, but it turns out the frozen cycles take a lot longer to prepare for than a fresh IVF cycle! 

So, tomorrow I'll start birth control again for a couple of weeks to suppress my ovaries and get the timing of the transfer just right. After the birth control, I'll start estrogen in pill and patch form to build up the lining of my uterus to at least 8 millimeters, about 2 weeks. When it reaches that marker, I'll start progesterone (yuck!) to prepare for the transfer. Once things are going as planned, they'll thaw our babies and schedule the transfer. The nurse thinks the transfer will happen mid to late October! We'll get our calendar with all the dates within the next 24 hours, but for now.... I am so excited to be starting this crazy journey again and feel so hopeful that we'll be pregnant by the end of this year : ) 

Alissha

Patiently waiting...

....for my period to start and be able to call my doctor to get the ball rollin' on our frozen embryo cycle. I'm pretty sure all the medications from our last IVF cycle screwed with my hormones and are delaying my period.  I'm usually pretty regular and start around day 28, but were at day 31 and still nada. I've felt super achey with mild cramps since yesterday, so I know it's on it's way... but the waiting sucks. Why is it that when you don't want your period to come, it's always right on time and when you actually want it to come, it's late?!?

C'est la vie.....

Alissha

Ready to try again....

I haven't blogged the last week or so because I haven't had much to write about and to be completely honest, no one would have wanted to read about how I was feeling. My emotions were all over the place and I was hurting, bad. I've tried keeping busy and not dwelling on our last cycle. I know there was nothing I or Chris could have done to change what happened. It just wasn't meant to be. 

We had a mini vacation to Arizona to visit my mom and step dad planned prior to our IVF cycle and it just so happened to be the weekend after we found out I had a chemical pregnancy. I had planned on celebrating that weekend and talking about how lucky we were to have IVF work the first time and how my due date would have been on Chris' birthday. But instead, we cried and spent that weekend hurting. We thought about not going to Arizona, but knew it would be good for us to not just stay home and cry 24/7. We still spent quite a bit of time alone though and tried to enjoy ourselves as much as we could. It was just bad timing. 

Work has been busy the last couple of weeks and I am slightly thankful for that. It's kept my mind busy. We saw Chris' crush, Sara Evans, in concert Friday night and went to a pretty awesome wedding last night, where we had way too much fun and drank way too much. I think we needed that though. We were way overdue for a good time! 

Since Arizona, things have gotten easier. It still hurts, but not as much. After we met with Dr. Norian the last time it was hard for me to be excited about our next cycle. I didn't want to have another cycle. I didn't want to go through this again. I didn't want to get my hopes up and then be crushed again. But, here we are... about two weeks away from starting our frozen cycle and I am getting excited again. I am becoming more optimistic every day and hopeful it will work for us. I can't wait for our embryo transfer and to have that feeling again. I want to be pregnant until proven otherwise and see our babies on an ultrasound. Yes, babies. I'm convinced we're going to have twins. Plus, our friends adorable son who just turned two told us were having two babies so that's all the confirmation I need ; ) 

Alissha

I just feel sad.

Today we had our appointment with Dr. Norian to talk about why our IVF cycle failed and where we go from here. He seemed genuinely sad that it didn't work for us the first time. He said he and the rest of his team really thought we would have had a successful cycle. He said I had a 'chemical pregnancy' which means I had a positive test, but didn't make it to an ultrasound. I'm pretty sure I would completely lose it if I saw our baby on an ultrasound and then miscarried. He said a lot of women have chemical pregnancies, but don't realize it because their periods are just a few days late. Most chemical pregnancies end due to chromosomal defects in the embryo, so he believes this is what may have happened with me and my body did what it needed to do in order to stop the embryo from growing any further. We could do genetic testing on our frozen embryos, but Dr. Norian doesn't believe it's necessary and it's costly. Since I'm not 38 and haven't experienced multiple miscarriages he thinks the odds are in our favor. 

Dr. Norian wants us to take a month off to get my body back to normal and then do a frozen embryo transfer some time in September. He wants to thaw 2-3 embryos and transfer what makes it through the thaw. He expects all of them to survive the thaw since they were high quality. I'll call on the first day of my next cycle and start birth control for a few weeks and then estrogen and add in the progesterone a day before the transfer. Since we already have our embryos, the frozen cycle should be easier on us and my body. I won't have any injections and it's cheaper. 

Since Thursday I've just been in a funk. The best way to describe how I feel is just plain sad. I'm very guarded with my emotions right now. It's amazing how connected and attached Chris and I got to our embryos. We're definitely going through the grieving process and I don't know how long it will last. I don't know when I'll feel 'normal' again. I haven't felt normal in the last 3 1/2 years. There are times I just cry and all I want to do is be with Chris. 

Infertility definitely changes who you are and puts strains on relationships and your marriage. It makes you insecure, jealous, depressed and angry. No couple dreams of paying thousands to have a family when they get married and having no control over the situation- which really drives me nuts. If I come off as distant, emotionless or don't want company, don't take it personal. I just need time to heal and sometimes I just need to be alone. I'm thankful for the month we have off from everything. I'm looking forward to getting back in the gym and having that as my outlet. 

Alissha