Debbie Downer, Party of 1

**Fair warning, this post may have an excessive amount of profanity and foul language so if you're easily offended, move right along**

I'm 8dp5dt today and how am I feeling? Like shit. I'm a total crab ass today and I feel like my emotions and feelings have done a complete 180 since my last post. I'm either PMSing hardcore or I'm starting to feel the effects of an early hormonal pregnancy. I don't feel anything that would indicate I may be pregnant and a part of me feels like at this point I should feel something. My chest isn't sore or the slightest bit tender, I don't have any cramps or weird sensations down there, no nausea. Nothing- other than experiencing every emotion in the book in a short time span. 

This morning I woke up feeling okay, then that quickly changed and I started thinking this wasn't going to be our time and Monday was going to bring bad news.  I told Chris to reassure me that I'm pregnant and everything will be fine and he did his best to change my mind. He kissed my belly, said he loved the babies in there and that I am pregnant, with twins. 

I left for work and I quickly started feeling irritated again. Frustrated. Annoyed. Just overall bitchy. Like don't cross me wrong today cause I may just go off and potentially lose my job.  The last few days have been fairly busy at work. For those who don't know, I work for CPS in an unnamed county in California. Ironic isn't it? The other day I detained a baby fresh from the womb that day. Why? Cause the baby's wonderful parents are meth addicts and haven't lost just one kid. Not two. But three and this makes four. Seriously pisses me off and usually I can do a pretty good job at separating my personal feelings and not "judging" our clients. But really?! Get it together assholes. 

This morning I had to drive my court report down to court and on the way I called Chris and asked him to make me feel better cause I felt like I was going to lose it. I laughed. Smiled. Told him I was going to cry. I managed to keep it together while we were on the phone and then after we hung up, I lost it. Crying down the freeway in a county car that everyone clearly knows is CPS. I eventually pulled it together and told myself it wasn't a good look to be crying in a county car with no tinted windows and two empty car seats in the back. Sigh. 

I decided to take my sweet ass time getting to court and coming back to the office.  I just don't feel like dealing with anyone today. I just want Monday to be here and to know either way. I want to be out of this funky mood and to stop pumping my body with hormones cause they're seriously fucking with my head.  I want to workout again and feel healthy. Prior to the retrieval I worked out at least 5 times a week. I just want to go lift weights and burn some of these negative vibes. Regardless of the outcome on Monday, I'm going back to the gym. Avoiding the gym hasn't done me any good. 

I. Am. Pregnant. 

With Twins.

Two Boys.

Maybe a Boy and a Girl.

Maybe just pregnant with one boy. 

Something, please. 

I want to cry. 

Alissha