7 Week Bumpdate

*Originally written on June 26, 2017*

How far along? 7 weeks

Baby is the size of a: blueberry.

Total weight gain: I think a couple of pounds, I feel like I'm always eating. 

Stretch marks? No. 

Maternity clothes? No, but I see them in my near future. 

Sleep: Sleep is about the same as last week. I'm waking up multiple times to go pee or the dogs wake me up to go outside and then I realize I have to pee 😑

Best moment this week: Seeing our baby on the ultrasound! 

Miss anything? The gym. Hoping to be back at it this coming week. 

Food cravings: Nothing yet, appetite is still off a bit but I have noticed I'm eating healthier things than I did when I was pregnant with Caleb. When I was pregnant with Caleb, I wanted anything that was a carb and spicy/sour foods. I'm eating a lot of fruit and veggies this go around and not too much carbs. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope, but I have started feeling off in the mornings and have to eat breakfast right away whereas I could usually wait to eat breakfast with Caleb at 9:30. 

Gender: Too early to know, but I'd love another boy.

Labor signs: Hopefully not for a very long time! 

Symptoms: Crazy dreams, still bloated, boobs ache on and off, fatigue at random times throughout the day, I'm exhausted about every other day, had one intense dizzy spell this week, random lower backache (mostly if I'm picking Caleb up a lot or getting him in and out of the car seat).  HUNGRY, I could eat a meal and then two hours later I'm hungry again and I have to eat every couple of hours or I start to feel like my blood sugar is low.

Belly button in or out?  In.

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Moooooody!

Looking forward to: Telling my brother in law and his wife this week and then my first OB appt on July 7th! 

We had our very first ultrasound on June 22nd at our fertility clinic. I was so insanely nervous the week leading up to our appointment and still taking pregnancy tests every other day.  I ordered a pack of cheap Wondfo's from Amazon back in February, so I figured when those were all gone I'd stop.  I SHOULD have stopped testing the moment I got a strong positive because every time I would take a test, I'd critique it and think the line was getting lighter. I was driving myself crazy and causing unnecessary stress on myself.  I took my last test on June 20th and felt so relieved they were all gone. 

Our ultrasound revealed we have one healthy baby that was measuring two days ahead, 6 weeks 5 days, with a heartbeat of 122 beats per minute.  Our fertility doctor said the baby looked great and was positioned high in my uterus.  The yolk sac looked good and so did my uterus.  It was amazing seeing the baby and it was such a huge relief.  All week I was preparing myself for the worst because it's honestly so hard to believe still.  Going through infertility and then getting pregnant on our own was/is such a miracle that it felt too good to be true.  But, this baby was meant to be here and we are so very grateful we have been blessed with this amazing baby.  

My first OB appointment is scheduled for July 7th (Caleb's birthday) and I'll be 8 weeks 4 days according to my last period. We're hoping for another ultrasound to reassure us (ME) so we can confidently share the news with everyone at Caleb's 2nd birthday party on the 8th. We're so excited to tell everyone we're expecting a baby!

Alissha

6 Week Bumpdate

*Originally written on June 19, 2017*

How far along? 6 weeks

Baby is the size of a: grain of rice.

Total weight gain: Didn't weigh myself this week. 

Stretch marks? No. 

Maternity clothes? No, but I think my tighter fitting tank tops are going to be on hiatus until I have a legit bump and not just bloat. 

Sleep: Sleep has been a little rough this week.  Either I can't fall asleep or I'm waking up multiple times to go pee or the dogs wake me up to go outside and then I realize I have to pee 😑

Best moment this week: Telling our parents and my sister we're pregnant!

Miss anything? The gym. I'm terrified of doing group training right now until we see the baby and it's heartbeat, but I miss it so much and know it'll lift my moods once I go back. 

Food cravings: Nothing yet, appetite is still off a bit. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope, but I have started feeling off in the mornings and have to eat breakfast right away whereas I could usually wait to eat breakfast with Caleb at 9:30. 

Gender: Too early to know, but I'd love another boy.

Labor signs: Hopefully not for a very long time! 

Symptoms: Some of the same from week 5. Crazy dreams have started and they are intense, violent dreams or sexual (which apparently is pretty common when you're pregnant).  Still bloated, boobs ache on and off.  A little bit of food aversion has started this week; I used to look forward to my morning cup of coffee and now it doesn't even sound good to me. Last night at dinner I had chicken with my meal and just looking at it made me want to gag. 

Belly button in or out?  In.

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Moooooody!

Looking forward to: Our first ultrasound on June 22nd. 

5 Week Bumpdate

*Originally written on June 12, 2017*

I can't believe I'm doing bumpdates again. The last week and a half has been very surreal and it's still hard to believe we're pregnant. 

How far along? 5 weeks

Baby is the size of an: Appleseed.

Total weight gain: I weighed myself the first day I got a positive and since then, I've lost a couple of pounds. 

Stretch marks? No. 

Maternity clothes? No, but this first trimester bloat is no joke and maternity clothes sound really nice! 

Sleep: I've been sleeping pretty good, which should have been one of my biggest clues that I was pregnant. I sleep very soundly in the beginning. I get up maybe once to go pee, but I'm dead to the world when I fall asleep.

Best moment this week: Getting our second pregnancy blood test back and seeing the numbers increase. 

Miss anything? An ice cold Mexican beer. If I had any idea/clue I'd get pregnant on my own, I would've indulged on Memorial Day! 

Food cravings: Nothing yet. Nothing sounds good to eat. I'm forcing myself to eat just because I know I need to and I'm making it a point to eat healthier, fresh foods. 

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope. I don't think that'll kick in for another week (hopefully later or never!) 

Gender: I'd really love another boy, but I'll be happy with whatever we're blessed with because they were obviously meant to be in this world!

Labor signs: Hopefully not for a very long time! 

Symptoms: I was really thirsty during week 4, but that has seemed to subside. This week my boobs have been aching on and off, achy/crampy lower abdomen.  Quick, sharp pains in my lower abdomen that go away as fast as the came, but man they catch me off guard every time.  Some heartburn, which I wasn't expecting until later on in pregnancy and lower backache that seems to come and go, no appetite, fatigue has hit me hard. I have no energy to do anything. And man have I been moody! Like PMS times 10. I don't remember being this moody/hormonal with Caleb but Chris said he does! 

Belly button in or out?  In.

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody most of the time: Mooooooody!

Looking forward to: Our first ultrasound on June 22nd. 

It has been so hard to keep this pregnancy a secret. We want to tell EVERYONE, but are also very cautious because it's so early and we want to hear the heartbeat before we share the news. My OB GYN's office can't get me in until some time in July and that's just unacceptable to me.  When I found out I was pregnant, I contacted our fertility clinic to let them know because this is all so new to us and completely unexpected. Our IVF nurse asked me to get labs done for my HcG, estrogen and progesterone. HcG is the pregnancy hormone that confirms pregnancy.  My OB's office wouldn't order the labs, so I contacted our family doctor who I absolutely adore and she was more than willing to order the labs for me.  

I had my first labs done on June 6th (16dpo) and my HcG came back at 441!  My first HcG test with Caleb at 15dpo was 229.  My estrogen was on the lower end, 64, and my progesterone was great, 20.34. My fertility doctor called in a prescription for Estradiol to help boost my estrogen and Prometrium as a precaution for my progesterone because it won't hurt.  My estrogen was on the lower end with Caleb too, so I'm trying not to worry about it.  My second HcG test at 22dpo came back at 4,421 and it doubled about every 43 hours- they want to see it double at least every 48 hours so that's good! My progesterone was 31.85 and estrogen was 150.

We went ahead and scheduled an ultrasound with our fertility doctor for June 22nd, I will be 6 weeks 3 days and a heartbeat should definitely be seen/heard.  We have to pay out of pocket for that, but it is nothing compared to the 20k we were going to spend for our next IVF cycle.  And it will give us peace of mind that everything is ok.  

We are so excited to tell our families and share our amazing news with everyone.  I've been taking daily pregnancy tests because it still doesn't feel real and seeing those lines is the only confirmation that I'm pregnant. I'm praying daily that this baby sticks around and we get to meet him or her in February.

Alissha 

We're expecting!

*Originally written on June 1, 2017

We are pregnant and expecting our second baby..... naturally! What the what?! You can guess how surprised and shocked we were. Completely unexpected? Most definitely. I have always said if we got pregnant naturally it'd be an act of God and I have no doubt our endless prayers and faith helped make this possible. So here's the story.....

Around February, Chris and I started taking some new supplements to see if it could help our chances of producing more viable sperm, eggs and ultimately better quality embryos when we decided to do our next IVF cycle.... and we figured they couldn't hurt our chances of conceiving on our own too.  I started tracking my ovulation again around the same time just to see when I ovulated to help our chances. Each month I knew I wasn't pregnant and sure enough, I wasn't. 

In May, Chris and I started talking about doing a fresh IVF cycle and figuring out our finances to make it possible.  We were getting excited about starting the process again and getting pregnant.  I got a positive ovulation test on May 21st and May 22nd. We handled business as usual and I prayed on it so hard. I told God whatever his plans were for our next baby, I would welcome them with open arms and that we were ready. On May 23rd I got an awful stomach bug or food poisoning and found myself stuck in bed all day or in the bathroom. I was miserable and for the next 2 days I barely ate or drank anything because the thought of food made me nauseous.  I thought for sure our already slim chances of conceiving were out the window. 

On May 29th, I sent an e-mail to our IVF nurse letting her know we were ready to move forward with a fresh IVF cycle and that I would start my period on or around June 6th. 

Then on May 30th I started feeling things.... twinges, cramps, and that familiar feeling I had when we got pregnant with Caleb via IVF.  I was out running errands all day with Caleb and on the go. When we got home in the afternoon, I Googled when implantation was likely to occur because I genuinely had no idea when it happens if you conceive naturally.  9 days past ovulation was what I found.  I was 9 days past THAT day.  I decided to take a pregnancy test because why not? After a few minutes I didn't see anything, then after 10 minutes I saw thee faintest line. So faint that you had to squint to see it and hold it in the brightest light. I thought for sure it was an evaporation line or my eyes were playing tricks on me and threw the test away.  

That night, Chris and I talked about how awesome and amazing it would be if we got pregnant on our own.  He didn't know I took a test, but I told him what I was feeling and we started dreaming and hoping. The following morning, May 31st, I took a test.  Without a doubt, a line showed up. It was faint, but I was only 10 days past ovulation and not supposed to start my period for another 5 days. Chris wasn't home- he had to get some lab work done that morning and I decided to tell him when he got home. I was in shock. I cried. I knew something was going on with my body, but how could this be possible? 

When Chris got home, I showed him the test. After telling him what he was looking at, he was in disbelief. He asked if it was for real and how accurate the test was.  That night, I took another test. I wasn't expecting it to be much darker, but it was! It was much more noticeable and stronger.  

I'm praying so hard this baby sticks and we get to meet him or her in February.  It feels right. Everything feels good and like it did when I got pregnant with Caleb.  I feel so positive about this pregnancy and am in awe we were FINALLY able to get pregnant on our own.  After 6 1/2 years. No medical assistance, no medications, no needles, no blood draws, no ultrasounds to monitor my ovaries/uterine lining to time everything just right.  Our bodies finally figured it out and this baby is nothing short of a miracle.  

Thoughts on Infertility

National Infertility Awareness Week is this coming week (April 23-29) and I've been thinking a lot about our own struggle lately and what I've learned from our journey.  I wanted to do a post and just get everything out, so sorry if this is long and all over the place.  

1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. 1 in 8.  I've had so many people reach out to me and thank me for being so candid about what we've gone through to conceive because it has helped them in their own infertility journey and let them know they aren't the only ones.  I started this blog to get my emotions out, to document our struggles so I never forget what we went through and to let other couples know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I remember feeling so isolated when we were trying to have a baby.  I felt so alone.  Chris was on this journey with me, but what I didn't realize until years later and with the help of our counselor was that we were not in tune with each other at all.  I was so wrapped up in trying to have a baby that I never checked in with Chris to see how he was feeling.  He always acted okay so I assumed he was fine and our struggle wasn't affecting him.  I was so wrong. He was trying to stay strong for me and didn't want me worrying about him.  He was so selfless in wanting me to be okay that he completely put what he was going through on the back burner.  My number one piece of advice for couples struggling to get pregnant is don't lose sight of what brought you two together in the first place.  Don't get so wrapped up in trying to have a baby that you completely forget about each other.  It's not worth it.  Always check in with each other. Don't be afraid to express how you're feeling. 

The emotions of what we went through are still very real. The hurt, the pain, the unknown, the wondering, the heartache, the tears (so, so many tears), the joy, the hope, the STRESS.  Chris and I went through so much in our first 5 years of marriage and things that should have destroyed our marriage made us stronger.  I've learned that infertility can either make your relationship stronger or completely destroy it.  Don't let it destroy you.  Seek counseling and work through this struggle together.  Our counselor put it into perspective for me and made me realize struggling with infertility, going through fertility treatments and dealing with losses is a traumatic event and something that needs to be talked about and processed.  Counseling has helped us tremendously and I highly recommend it, even if you're not dealing with infertility. 

Looking back on our journey and the one we're still on to have baby #2, I am grateful. I'm grateful that modern medicine has allowed our dreams to come true and have the son we always wanted. I pray and wish and hope that we won't have to go through another fresh IVF cycle for baby #2, but it's looking more and more like that will be our reality....again. I imagine what it would be like to get pregnant naturally and surprise our friends and family with this announcement, what it must be like to not know what's going on at every single moment of conceiving and be that couple who needed IVF for their first baby but got pregnant on their own for their second..... But, how awesome is it that we have a picture of Caleb as an embryo?! Just a tiny ball of cells that turned into this amazing little boy that has brought so much joy to our lives. 

Not many people can say they have a picture of themselves as a 5 day embryo and that's such a cool thing to have.  So much love went in to creating him. So much love was waiting for him and he was wanted so very much. 

For anyone struggling to get pregnant or maintain a pregnancy, don't be afraid to take the next step and talk to a fertility doctor (I can recommend a great one!) I was so terrified of doing IVF and couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that two healthy people who prevented pregnancy for so long couldn't get pregnant.... even after 3 years of trying and 3 failed IUIs (intrauterine insemination).  When we decided to move forward with IVF I was so surprised at how smooth the process went and while doing daily injections wasn't that fun, it put us one step closer to having a baby.  IVF is a huge investment of time, MONEY and emotions, but it's so worth it. 

Don't be afraid to reach out and find a support system through your journey.  Ask questions, get second opinions, don't give up.  And most importantly, don't forget who you're on this journey with 💙 

Alissha 

Future plans

I've had a lot of people ask me how we're doing and what's in store for us on our journey to baby #2, so I wanted to do an update.  

First off, I'm okay. We're okay.  Chris and I handled this last loss a little differently, but still experienced the same hurt.  What hurt the most for me was knowing we transferred two embryos and they didn't take/continue to develop after going through the whole process and having Caleb. Knowing what they could have been hurts the most.  To me, those were our babies. They were life and capable of amazing things. I know we'll have another baby some day, I have no doubt in my mind.  Just not right now and that's ok.  I find peace in Caleb and knowing that everything happens for a reason. 

When we did our fresh IVF cycle 2 1/2 years ago (ovarian stimulation, egg retrieval, fertilization, etc) we were really hoping our babies would be in that cycle.  If we would have known going into the whole process that only one of our 7 embryos would result in a baby, I would have still gone through everything.  Caleb is nothing short of amazing and is such a loving, caring, sweet, incredibly smart, handsome toddler.  I am so so so grateful for him.  I know he will be an amazing big brother some day. 

Yesterday we met with our fertility doctor to discuss our last transfer and our future. He said it's most likely that our embryos were chromosomally abnormal and that's why they didn't take/continue to develop. He said my uterine lining was great and doesn't think that's the issue. When we did our fresh cycle, we didn't test any of our embryos for genetic abnormalities since neither one of us have any known genetic issues in our families. 

Prior to doing IVF, you have to do several labs to test hormones, thyroid, ovarian reserve, etc.  When I did my initial labs, my ovarian reserve was considered "normal", but on the border of being low.  Ovarian reserve gives an indication of how many eggs are in your ovaries.  When I took all the medication to stimulate my ovaries I responded ok but my doctor was expecting me to have more eggs, given my age.  Now, 2 1/2 years later my doctor is a little concerned about my ovarian reserve and wants me to do some testing to see where it's at now. 

He's recommending we do a fresh IVF cycle and do genetic testing on the embryos we end up with to rule out any genetic issues. Transferring a genetically normal embryo has a success rate of about 70% versus 50% for an embryo that hasn't been screened. And it costs additional money. A significant amount of money. We have one frozen embryo left, but it's not the best quality and we're not willing to go through the emotional/financial stress of it not working out right now.  

He recommended we take some supplements to help our fertility and ultimately said we could start again after my next cycle.  However, we are on one income. Since quitting my job to stay home with Caleb, we have done ok financially and I feel extremely fortunate that we are able to live on one income. But, we definitely do not have extra money laying around and we had to charge our last transfer.  Our insurance didn't cover any of our transfer (or any of our past fertility treatments) and very very little of the medication.  Chris and I do not like having credit card debt hanging over our heads and we've always been very conscious how we spend our money and paying off our credit cards. 

So, at this moment our goal is to pay off our credit cards and save as much as possible for a fresh cycle.  This won't happen in the next month or 6 months.  We're looking at doing another cycle some time in 2018 and that's ok. We would love for our children to be closer in age, but I'm totally okay with enjoying Caleb just a little longer as our only baby. We'll also continue to pray we get pregnant naturally because hey.... miracles happen every day.  

Alissha 

Transfer

We did our embryo transfer on December 12th for baby #2 (and maybe #3). Everything went perfectly and when our two embryos were thawed, they started expanding and growing just as they should. When they were initially frozen, both were 3BB. Just before transfer, they were a 5BB and 6BB and one was already hatched out of its shell. They both looked great and after the transfer, Chris and I stayed in the room for close to 30 minutes. Talking, staring at the picture of our embryos, the ultrasound screen that had an image of where the embryos were placed in my uterus and I cried. Tears of happiness, excitement and the unknown. Knowing that one of our embryos turned into Caleb just overwhelms my heart and I pray at least one of our embryos continues to grow in my belly and joins us in 9 months. 

After the transfer, we drove home and made it back before Caleb woke up for the day. My mother in law stayed at our house the night before our transfer so she could be here when we left at 4:30am. I spent the day laying on the couch and resting, trying my best to at least. I had mild cramping, but nothing intense. I'm 1 day past the transfer and today has been pretty uneventful as well. Not much cramping and still doing a lot of resting. Tomorrow I can resume light activity, nothing strenuous, but at least I can get out of the house. 

Alissha