Ready to try again....

I haven't blogged the last week or so because I haven't had much to write about and to be completely honest, no one would have wanted to read about how I was feeling. My emotions were all over the place and I was hurting, bad. I've tried keeping busy and not dwelling on our last cycle. I know there was nothing I or Chris could have done to change what happened. It just wasn't meant to be. 

We had a mini vacation to Arizona to visit my mom and step dad planned prior to our IVF cycle and it just so happened to be the weekend after we found out I had a chemical pregnancy. I had planned on celebrating that weekend and talking about how lucky we were to have IVF work the first time and how my due date would have been on Chris' birthday. But instead, we cried and spent that weekend hurting. We thought about not going to Arizona, but knew it would be good for us to not just stay home and cry 24/7. We still spent quite a bit of time alone though and tried to enjoy ourselves as much as we could. It was just bad timing. 

Work has been busy the last couple of weeks and I am slightly thankful for that. It's kept my mind busy. We saw Chris' crush, Sara Evans, in concert Friday night and went to a pretty awesome wedding last night, where we had way too much fun and drank way too much. I think we needed that though. We were way overdue for a good time! 

Since Arizona, things have gotten easier. It still hurts, but not as much. After we met with Dr. Norian the last time it was hard for me to be excited about our next cycle. I didn't want to have another cycle. I didn't want to go through this again. I didn't want to get my hopes up and then be crushed again. But, here we are... about two weeks away from starting our frozen cycle and I am getting excited again. I am becoming more optimistic every day and hopeful it will work for us. I can't wait for our embryo transfer and to have that feeling again. I want to be pregnant until proven otherwise and see our babies on an ultrasound. Yes, babies. I'm convinced we're going to have twins. Plus, our friends adorable son who just turned two told us were having two babies so that's all the confirmation I need ; ) 

Alissha

I just feel sad.

Today we had our appointment with Dr. Norian to talk about why our IVF cycle failed and where we go from here. He seemed genuinely sad that it didn't work for us the first time. He said he and the rest of his team really thought we would have had a successful cycle. He said I had a 'chemical pregnancy' which means I had a positive test, but didn't make it to an ultrasound. I'm pretty sure I would completely lose it if I saw our baby on an ultrasound and then miscarried. He said a lot of women have chemical pregnancies, but don't realize it because their periods are just a few days late. Most chemical pregnancies end due to chromosomal defects in the embryo, so he believes this is what may have happened with me and my body did what it needed to do in order to stop the embryo from growing any further. We could do genetic testing on our frozen embryos, but Dr. Norian doesn't believe it's necessary and it's costly. Since I'm not 38 and haven't experienced multiple miscarriages he thinks the odds are in our favor. 

Dr. Norian wants us to take a month off to get my body back to normal and then do a frozen embryo transfer some time in September. He wants to thaw 2-3 embryos and transfer what makes it through the thaw. He expects all of them to survive the thaw since they were high quality. I'll call on the first day of my next cycle and start birth control for a few weeks and then estrogen and add in the progesterone a day before the transfer. Since we already have our embryos, the frozen cycle should be easier on us and my body. I won't have any injections and it's cheaper. 

Since Thursday I've just been in a funk. The best way to describe how I feel is just plain sad. I'm very guarded with my emotions right now. It's amazing how connected and attached Chris and I got to our embryos. We're definitely going through the grieving process and I don't know how long it will last. I don't know when I'll feel 'normal' again. I haven't felt normal in the last 3 1/2 years. There are times I just cry and all I want to do is be with Chris. 

Infertility definitely changes who you are and puts strains on relationships and your marriage. It makes you insecure, jealous, depressed and angry. No couple dreams of paying thousands to have a family when they get married and having no control over the situation- which really drives me nuts. If I come off as distant, emotionless or don't want company, don't take it personal. I just need time to heal and sometimes I just need to be alone. I'm thankful for the month we have off from everything. I'm looking forward to getting back in the gym and having that as my outlet. 

Alissha

And just like that....

It's over.  Dr. Norian called me this afternoon and told me my hormone levels have dropped to 7. There is nothing that can be done at this point. It's obvious that the embryo or embryos implanted, but for some reason or another my body didn't continue to accept it/them. He wants me to stop all my medication and have us come in to meet with him to talk about what happened and what we can do to improve our chances next time.  So, our appointment is scheduled for Wednesday at 1pm.

I'm devastated and heartbroken. I've been mourning this since we got the phone call on Monday. I wanted to believe everything was going to be okay and things would get better, but I knew in my heart this was going to be the outcome. It hurts knowing at least one of our embryos started implanting and then for whatever reason, just didn't make it. Having a positive pregnancy test and hearing my doctor tell me I'm pregnant with low HcG levels hurts so much more than just getting a negative test all together. Knowing what could have been really sucks. 

I refuse to give up and call it quits. We know that it is possible for this to work, we just don't know why it didn't this time. We will never know or even come close to understanding why we were chosen to go through this and experience such unimaginable heart break over the last 3 1/2 years. We have been through so much together and more than most people will ever even know. We have grown closer over the last month and a half and I don't think we have ever felt so much love for one another. And for that, I'm thankful. 

I want nothing more than to be a mommy and make Chris a daddy, to have our parents be grandparents and our siblings be an aunt and uncle. It hurts knowing the grief they are experiencing and how much others are hurting for us. We will be doing another IVF cycle with our frozen embryos, I just don't know when. I guess we will know more after Wednesday. But for now, we will try to laugh and smile through the tears and find peace in knowing this is not the end for us. 

Alissha 

Trying to stay positive...

Last night was so hard. I couldn't shut my mind off and I barely got any sleep. To be in limbo is so hard. I know it's just a number, but it's such an important number and I pray my blood results on Thursday will show it has increased.  I can't help but think about the what ifs and worry. I want this to be our time more than anything and it's so scary to think as soon as you experience the joy you've been waiting for, for years it could be ripped away from you in an instant.  

I know regardless of the outcome on Thursday everything will be okay. I keep telling myself that. We have 5 frozen embryos waiting for us. Whether that be in the next month or in a few years.  We were blessed with 5 perfect embryos that made it to freezing and this isn't it.  

This is the farthest we have ever come to having our dream come true. I have no idea what to expect. I've never been pregnant before, I don't know what this is supposed to feel like or how my body will react. I'm trying to find peace in knowing that everything happens for a reason and to try and live in the moment..... 

Alissha

Yes, I am PREGNANT!

Today and this weekend have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  After my crazy emotional day on Thursday, I felt totally fine on Friday.  I went about my day just as if nothing had happened the day prior and was positive.  My husband called me in the afternoon to share he got a phone call from the Captain at his station and he was finally going to be joining the SWAT team! We were over the moon and so ecstatic!  He has been wanting to join the team for several years and has been so patient with everything.  I told him since he got good news on Friday, I wanted good news too so I wanted to take an early pregnancy test on Saturday morning.  He really wanted me to wait until Sunday, but I refused.  Friday night, I went to Wal-Mart and picked up two different pregnancy tests- First Response and ClearBlue Digital.

I woke up Saturday morning around 4:30 cause I had to pee, but knew it was too early to wake Chris up since he got home from work around 2 am.  I went to the bathroom and went back to bed for 2 hours.  At 6:30 I woke up again cause I had to go pee.  I decided it was late enough and I didn't want to wait any longer.  I went into the bathroom, got a First Response test and nervously took the test.  I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest as I was taking it.  I set it down and there was nothing, just the test line.  I shrugged my shoulders and thought to myself it was just too early.  I brushed my teeth, looked down at the test and this is what I saw.....

Two lines.  Two lines that I have never seen before in my life! I was speechless.  I went into the bedroom and kneeled down to Chris.  I shrugged him a little and said, "Chris" his reply "Huh? what?" I said, "You're going to be a daddy."  He immediately smiled and said, "I told you.  I told you, you were pregnant." We layed together, cried and couldn't believe it.  Chris of course couldn't fall back asleep, so he got up.  After about 30 minutes, I had to go to the bathroom again.  I decided to take the digital ClearBlue test for good measure and this is what came up.....

Seeing the word 'Pregnant' really hit us.  Reality set in.  This worked.  We were beside ourselves.  We made sure to call my mom, dad, Chris' parents and our siblings first to tell them the news.  Everyone was so excited to hear the news.  We told a few friends over the next day or so and trust me, it was SO hard not to post anything, but we really wanted to get complete confirmation from the doctor.

On Sunday, I took another test.  Of course.  The compulsive person in me couldn't resist.  After all, I did have 2 more First Response tests and 1 more ClearBlue test.  The test still showed two lines, although the pregnant line was still the same shade of pink.  No lighter, no darker.  I figured I would test in the afternoon too, just to see if anything had changed.  Nope. Still the same color.  I figured I just got a bad batch of tests with poor dye and since I still had two lines, I was still pregnant.

So this morning, I woke up, got ready and wasn't going to test.  I was going to wait for the blood results.  About 30 minutes before I left to take the blood test, I took the last ClearBlue digital.  Still said Pregnant.  Amazing.  I went to the lab, had my blood drawn and went about my day.... anxiously awaiting the phone call.  I didn't go to work because I wanted to be with Chris when we got the results.

At about 3:00 pm, Dr. Norian called me.  He told me I was "definitely pregnant, but your numbers were a little on the lower side."  By numbers, he means the number for the pregnancy hormone, HcG.  He told me my number was 31.  My heart sunk.  He told me implantation has definitely occurred and my progesterone and estrogen numbers came back perfect- which are so important to sustain a pregnancy.  I asked Dr. Norian where he likes to see the numbers at this point (I'm 12 days past transfer and technically 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant) and he said somewhere between 80 and 100.  He advised me to continue taking my medication as directed and he wanted me to get my blood drawn again later this week to make sure the numbers are rising.

After I got off the phone with Dr. Norian, I cried. I KNOW i'm pregnant.  I can feel it.  I know there is a baby or two in there.  I know this.  But, I cried because the number is lower than expected.  I had set myself up to hear a number in the hundreds or higher and was completely disappointed.  Yes, it is just a number.  Yes, I'm still pregnant.  The number just has to keep progressing and doubling every 36 hours.  Everyone is different and my baby(s) is/are just being stubborn.  I am hoping and praying they implanted late and are taking their sweet time nuzzling into my uterus.  I am trying my best to stay positive.  Everything is out of my control and Chris' control.  We have done everything we can to make this successful.  Now the baby's have to do their part and we have to trust that God will take care of the rest.

We are beyond thankful for everyone's support and prayers.  Please continue praying for us that the blood test on Thursday comes back amazing and we can breathe a little easier knowing that our little one(s) is/are taking after their stubborn momma!

Alissha